The Merciful Steward: Islamic Guidance on Patience, Nurturing, and Marital Harmony

By: Dr. Huseyn Zakaria

Introduction: A Witness to a Growing and Avoidable Marital Crisis:

This article emerges from a place of profound worry, worry born from decades of scholarly engagement, counselling, and intimate observation of families on the brink of collapse. Over the years, I have sat with countless couples, from the newly married to those seasoned by decades of companionship, and witnessed their marriages unravel over matters so minor, so resolvable, and so painfully avoidable that one cannot help but feel distressed.

It is not deep incompatibility that destroys most homes today; it is momentary harshness, rigid reactions, unchecked anger, poor emotional intelligence, and the inability of one or both spouses, often the husband, who is entrusted with stewardship (qiwāmah)—to embody the essential Islamic virtues of ṣabr, ḥilm, rifq, wisdom, and merciful leadership.

It is for this reason that I feel compelled, scholastically and morally, to address this rising crisis. While Islam recognizes divorce as a necessary relief in certain grave situations, many modern divorces are rushed, unnecessary, and rooted in failures of character rather than failures of compatibility.

This article therefore, seeks to restore balance, revive prophetic standards, and remind husbands in particular that Islamic leadership is not dominance, it is nurturing, patience, empathy, and principled mercy.

Marriage as a Sacred Covenant (Mithāq Ghalīẓ): Islamic marriage is not an ordinary social contract; it is a divinely anchored covenant, described by Allah as: {وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا}

“…and they (your wives) have taken from you a solemn covenant.” (Qur’an 4:21)

Imam al-Ṭabarī explains: «هُوَ مَا أُخِذَ لِلْمَرْأَةِ عَلَى زَوْجِهَا… مِنْ عَهْدٍ عَلَى إِمْسَاكِهَا بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ تَسْرِيحِهَا بِإِحْسَانٍ»

“This is the pledge imposed upon the husband at the marriage contract, to retain her with kindness or release her with excellence.”

There is no third option. Islam never legitimizes cruelty or oppression.

The Command for Good Conduct (Al-Mu‘āsharah bi-l-Ma‘rūf):

Allah commands: {وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰ أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا} (Qur’an 4:19)

Even if the husband is displeased, he must remain kind. What he dislikes today may be the source of great good tomorrow.

Patience as an Indicator of Faith: The Prophet ﷺ said: «أَكْمَلُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ إِيمَانًا أَحْسَنُهُمْ خُلُقًا، وَخِيَارُكُمْ خِيَارُكُمْ لِنِسَائِهِمْ»

“The most complete believers are those with the best character, and the best of you are those best to their wives.” (Tirmidhī)

A man’s treatment of his wife is the truest mirror of his īmān.

The Prophetic Model: Leadership Through Mercy:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was the perfect steward; never harsh, never humiliating, always elevating.

A. The Analogy of the Rib: A Call to Gentleness: He (pbuh)?said (Muttafaqun ‘alayh): «اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا… فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهَا كَسَرْتَهَا…»

This analogy is not criticism. It is instruction:

– be gentle,

– be understanding,

– correct with compassion,

– never force change by harshness,

— do not be latently vulnerable.

Straightening a rib breaks it; harshness breaks a marriage.

B. Justice and the Prohibition of Oppression (Ẓulm): Allah forbids oppression absolutely. In a Ḥadīth Qudsī (Muslim): «إِنِّي حَرَّمْتُ الظُّلْمَ عَلَى نَفْسِي… فَلَا تَظَالَمُوا»

And the Prophet (pbuh) warned: «اتَّقُوا الظُّلْمَ، فَإِنَّ الظُّلْمَ ظُلُمَاتٌ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ» (Muslim)

Oppressing one’s wife, emotionally, financially, physically, or spiritually, is among the gravest sins, and its darkness awaits a man on the Day of Judgment.

C. The Supplication of the Oppressed Wife:

The Prophet (pbuh) said: «وَاتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ الْمَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ»

A tear shed by a wronged woman is a weapon that goes straight to the Throne of Allah.

Daily Methods for Nurturing and Building Harmony: Scholars expanded “mu‘āsharah bi-l-ma‘rūf” into practical behaviour.

1. Ibn Kathīr’s Guidelines

He wrote: «تَلْيِينُ الْقَوْلِ، وَتَحْسِينُ الْأَفْعَالِ… وَالرِّفْقُ بِهَا»

“Soft speech, refined actions… and gentleness toward her.”

2. Balancing Traits Instead of Fixating on Faults:

The Prophet ﷺ taught: «لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً… إِنْ كَرِهَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَرَ» (Muslim)

A wise husband sees the whole picture, not one moment of weakness.

3. Managing Anger Through Partnership: The Example of Abū al-Dardā’:

He told his wife: «إِذَا رَأَيْتِنِي غَضْبَانَ فَارْضِينِي… وَإِذَا رَأَيْتُكِ غَضْبَى أَرْضَيْتُكِ»

Turning anger into cooperation protects the home.

Addressing Serious Marital Misconduct (Nushūz) Within Islamic Limits:

Islam provides a measured, sequential, and harm-free corrective path (Qur’an 4:34):

1. Gentle Admonition (الموعظة الحسنة)

Private advice that appeals to her faith and the marital covenant.

2. Separation in Bed (الهجر في المضجع)

Symbolic, temporary, and never humiliating.

3. Non-harmful Symbolic Striking (الضرب غير المبرح)

A last resort, symbolic، not injurious, not humiliating, not violent.

The Overriding Rule: No Harm

{وَلَا تُمْسِكُوهُنَّ ضِرَارًا لِتَعْتَدُوا} (Qur’an 2:231)

The Prophet (pbuh) stated the universal rule: «لَا ضَرَرَ وَلَا ضِرَارَ» (Ibn Mājah, ṣaḥīḥ)

If a measure brings harm, cultural disgrace, emotional injury, or legal danger, it becomes harām.

Many contemporary scholars therefore consider step three impermissible in societies where it is synonymous with abuse.

Protection and Relief for the Oppressed Wife: Islam never traps a woman in injustice.

A. Arbitration (الحكمين)

{فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا…}(Qur’an 4:35)

If reconciliation is sincerely sought, Allah will open a path.

B. Judicial Separation (Faskh) or Khul‘: If injustice persists, a woman may seek annulment or khul‘.

The Prophet (pbuh) granted the wife of Thābit ibn Qays separation when she said she could not continue:

He (pbuh( told Thābit: «اقْبَلِ الْحَدِيقَةَ وَطَلِّقْهَا تَطْلِيقَةً» (Bukhārī)

If separation is allowed for emotional incompatibility alone, then it is even more justified in cases of abuse, deprivation, or emotional harm.

Conclusion: The Vision of the Merciful Steward:

A truly Islamic husband is a man of:

• patience,

• mercy,

• emotional maturity,

• gentleness,

• peace,

• devotion,

• justice,

• controls his emotions within the precinct of the Sharī‘ah,

• respect for the sacred covenant, and

• deep consciousness of Allah.

Such a man transforms his home into a space of مَوَدَّة and رَحْمَة (Qur’an 30:21).

His children grow secure, righteous, and emotionally healthy.

And Allah promises the patient: {إِنَّمَا يُوَفَّى الصَّابِرُونَ أَجْرَهُم بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ}(Qur’an 39:10)

A reward without measure. reflected both in the peace of this world and the bliss of the next.

A Merciful Steward is not merely a good husband; he is the best of believers in faith, as the Prophet ﷺ said: «خِيَارُكُمْ خِيَارُكُمْ لِنِسَائِهِمْ»

May Allah guide every husband to uphold this noble path, and may He protect all Muslim homes from collapse, discord, and despair.